enemy 1: one that is antagonistic to another ; one seeking to injure, overthrow, or confound an opponent 2: something harmful or deadly 3 a: a military adversary b: a hostile unit or force – Source: Merriam-Webster Dictionary
What a very strong word. How often are we faced with barriers between ourselves and others? How long do we continue to maintain such barriers and do we even understand the true origins from which they come from? In most instances, we rarely even know the names or the actual substance that our “enemy” is comprised of.
If you determine that an enemy is part of your past or present, then ask yourself if there are really that many differences between you and another. By taking a moment to ask yourself the right questions, you may find that the BEHAVIORS that both of you exhibit differ greatly, but you share the same PURPOSE and INTENTIONS. People are not necessarily their behaviors. Such statements may initially seem unrealistic, but look at the bigger picture in relation to the situation and in both people’s desire to just exist. Consider opportunities for new exchanges. Seek congruency.
Has there been a breakdown in communication? Maybe the conversation has just been one-sided rather than an open dialog shared equally between both people or groups. Maybe you are actually seeing an aspect of yourself in them that you do not care for? How often do we see an undesirable trait in someone that we, ourselves have shown in the past or we are currently demonstrating? Consider how highly we hold reverence to actors and the roles they play. Which roles or characters grab your attention the most? Each time? Why do we talk about and judge the personal lives of our celebrities and athletes as much as we do?
Bullying seems to be very present in our schools these days. Hundreds of books and organizations have been born as a result. What is your definition of a bully? Why do you think someone would become a bully? What are the reasons we share with our kids? Does it originate out of ego or fear? Actually, ego is completely fear based. How about out of anger? Under all anger is sadness. So who is the real victim? Do we hold the same representations of a bully now as we did as a child? Can there be a difference?
So now for the bigger question, “Where does the actual or larger enemy exist…in your neighbor or in yourself?” Does an enemy stem from unmet expectations? Whose expectations? Maybe the initial expectations were too high or too low to start with. How does conflict resonate within us? Ask yourself why and what you continue to hold on to. Are there different parts of yourself acting independently, but that share they same intentions and purpose? Could you instead build congruency between these different parts? Heal and bond rather than re-installing old conflicts.
Whether externally, internally or both, does it serve each of us to have an enemy? Is it really necessary? What happens when we no longer have one? Do we all need to have one of these "jackets" to put on from time to time? How does it help us to avoid other things in our life? Where does the circle start and where does it end?
Here is how children grades 1st through 12th answered the question. The list of responses is long; longer than previous questions we have shared with them. Our kids are amazing. Click on READ MORE to see the expanded list.
“How Do You Make Friends With An Enemy?”
• Don’t judge them. – Age 15 – Broomfield, CO
• Try to find something we have in common and talk about it. – Age 10 – Nassau, Bahamas
• Make sure you know each other’s names and ask if you want to be friends. – Age 8 – Benton, AR
• Put yourself in their shoes and see the world through their eyes. – Age 13 – Norfolk, VA
• Talk about each other’s feelings. – Age 10 – Chicago, IL
• Find ways to make them laugh. – Age 9 – Littleton, CO
• Guess you just say hi. – Age 9 – Denver, CO
• Start asking each other questions. – Age 9 – Littleton, CO
• Don’t anger or embarrass them. – Age 14 – Norfolk, VA
• Compliment them. – Age 8 – Brunswick, GA
• Find out if each side is willing to compromise. – Age 10 – Chicago, IL
• Forgive and forget. – Age 6 – Denver, CO
• Have each person define enemy. – Age 9 – Dallas, TX
• Say you are sorry. – Age 8 – Denver, CO
• I try to be nice and kind to them. If they still don’t want to play, then I say “Maybe next time we can play.” – Age 10 – Littleton, CO
• Ask questions and share ideas with them. – Age 13 – Norfolk, VA
• Really get to know them. – Age 13 – Norfolk, VA
• Ask them why they don’t like me. – Age 8 – Littleton, CO
• Find ways to turn things around. – Age 10 – Chicago, IL
• I would ask forgiveness if I did something bad and then I would start over with them. – Age 14 – Norfolk, VA
• Talk about what each of you hate then talk about what you both like. – Age 11 – Denver, CO
• Go out and start playing with them. – Age 9 – Littleton, CO
• I would try to find out what we have in common with each other. – Age 14 – Norfolk, VA
• I would ask them if they needed help with anything. If they were sad then I would always be open for conversation. – Age 9 – Littleton, CO
• Respect them. Apologize for the past. Hang out. – Age 13 – Norfolk, VA
• No matter how much of an enemy they are, ask them to play anyway. – Age 6 – Atlanta, GA
• Do something nice to them a few times. Then go play by myself. Come back a few days later and ask if they want to be friends. – Age 8 – Littleton, CO
• Say “Can’t we all just get along?” – Age 6 – Denver, CO
• Sit down and talk with them. – Age 14 – Norfolk, VA
• Maybe do a puzzle or board game with them. – Age 8 – Dallas, TX
• Try to solve any problems we might have. – Age 13 – Norfolk, VA
• Brag about them. – Age 8 – Brunswick, GA
• Really get to know them by making conversation. – Age 13 – Norfolk, VA
• Any bully can eventually become a friend. – Age 9 – Littleton, CO
• You have to set your differences aside and look out for the good things and personalities that person has. – Age 13 – Norfolk, VA
• Not sure, put my daddy works out a lot of problems with people on the golf course. – Age 9 – Dallas, TX
• Just work out the problem. – Age 13 – Norfolk, VA
• Be extremely nice to them until they like you. – Age 14 – Norfolk, VA
• Try to become very close and work towards good conversations. – Age 13 – Norfolk, VA
• Ask them for peace. – Age 10 – Littleton, CO
• Neither person can leave the room until you both figure out the problem. – Age 11 – Denver, CO
• Resolve previous disputes. Be kind. Be willing to apologize. – Age 14 – Norfolk, VA
• Ask them if it is worth resolving and if they want to. – Age 13 – Norfolk, VA
• Talk about what friendship means. – Age 11 – Denver, CO
• Talk about why you are enemies. Then try to fix the problem if there even is one. – Age 14 – Norfolk, VA
• Be yourself. – Age 9 – Littleton, CO
• Ask them if they would like to find something they both have in common. – Age 10.5 – Littleton, CO
• Just stop being enemies and then follow the normal steps. – Age 9 – Littleton, CO
• Give each other another a chance. Then invite them over to your house. – Age 10 – Littleton, CO
• Really get to know the person is really like and IF they are really your enemy. – Age 14 – Norfolk, VA
• Tell them to stop being mean and instead be your friend. – Age 9 – Littleton, CO
• Make a truce. – Age 10 – Littleton, CO
• Be nice. – Age 10 – Littleton, CO
• Tell them that you really want to be friends. – Age 9 – Littleton, CO
• Start by setting aside our differences. – Age 12 – Denver, CO
• Not sure, but I try to make friends with as many people as possible. – Age 8 – Littleton, CO
• Acceptance. Communication. – Age 13 – Denver, CO
• Give them space. – Age 9 – Littleton, CO
• Tell them that you don’t want to fight anymore. – Age 12 – Denver, CO
• Tell them violence is not the answer. – Age 9 – Littleton, CO
• Tell them this has gone on too long. – Age 8 – Denver, CO
• Ask “So what is on your mind?” – Age 6 – Denver, CO
• Tell each other how you feel about the problem then determine what the solution is to be. – Age 8 – Littleton, CO
• Find a small object that both people care about and then shake hands with the object in the middle of the handshake. Done. – Age 8 – Littleton, CO
• You need to be polite and nice to be friends with an enemy. – Age 16 – Littleton, CO
• If I started the problem that made us enemies then I would correct the problem. – Age 8 – Littleton, CO
